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I Hate Popcorn
Author - Kirill

Popcorn: a sign of the devil. I hate popcorn. I used to really like popcorn until it - in the words of maddox - gave me diarrhea. Literally. I mean, what the fuck?! Places are getting cheaper and cheaper by the minute on their popcorn. A theatre I know (not the one I work at) switched to super-cheap kernels...how do I know? BECAUSE THEY DON'T POP! How can you call something popcorn if it doesn't pop? Wouldn't it then just be called 'corn'? Yes, yes it would. Why would I want to pay $5 for corn kernels in a bright bag designed to give people seizures? Not that I've experienced a seizure before, but I saw some kid fall and start faoming at the mouth - no wait, that was a completely different incident that I heard about in gym class.

Back on topic, the popcorn bags really do suck. They feature some crap advertisement about movies that no ones cares about, example: the next Tomb Raider movie. Bah. Or they show some cheap ass cut and paste job from something that may be interesting, such as the Hulk tubs. Know that Hulk ad where you see him reaching out with his hand and his face is in the background, barely seen? Can you count how many endorsements that hand has had? I count at least six seperate ones I've seen. One for Juicy Fruit or some sort of gump, then for bottled water and other stuff that does not look like he is able to hold onto.

Then there are those stupid mascots. The ones wearing Popcorn suits. I hope they get paid enough for when someone runs up and kicks them. If I saw one of them, I'd really want to punch the guy right in the face, I mean seriously, look:




Do you want to punch them in the face? Right now? I do. Or how about those stupid advertisments WITH that lame-ass design that looks like an optical illusion (maybe I'm just tired and easily tricked now, but it does to me). You know, where the bag starts talking to you and moving then breaks out into a song and dance like that stupid green frog? No? Here's an example:



Bottom line: Popcorn sucks now...I can't even put Ketchup or White Cheddar dressing on them anymore because they too have been replaced by low-grade crap made from a cow's ass or something.
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